Most confusing thing when we are about to stray away and walk along the perilous path of argument exchange is whether:
I should just stop after your first step, stay behind you just long enough that I could still reach your hand, and pull you back. And finally, just hug you.
Or
I should just go along with you, teetering along the edges of rebuttal and letting go all of the remaining hold I got of my selfishness.
Some may say, "What's confusing about that?" Because between A and B above, A would've have been the better choice. Instantly calming for both parties involved and a first step to approaching the problem peacefully. Or for some, B's better. You could let off steam while enumerating what really irks you about each other. Thereby revealing, maybe ugly sides of both of you and realizing that in the end, after the emotional breakdown, all you ever wanted is to be with each other forever, more than ever.
So in the end, you walk back on flat land. On flower fields, hand in hand.
Either way, expression of feelings is the key.
And for introverts and probably socially inept persons like me, expressing my feelings in person is hard. As plain as that.
(Answering or making phone calls actually makes me uncomfortable.)
My lips gets sealed at the first sign of an impending rain. And my heart muscles, I think it's the heart muscles, go rigid that it really hurts. And when you nudge me in the hey-whats-wrong or come-on-tell-me ways, incessantly, I just break down and my eyes spill away waters silently.
I know that the mature way to go is just sit. Stop walking and start talking. Lock away those irrelevant and non-helpful snide remarks and just get to the point. But it's hard to speak. For years I have heard the you-did-not-made-an-effort-and-just-cried lines. And it pains me that it might be true.
I'm so accustomed to not having to speak at home, at school when I was still studying and now at workplace. Even at the prescence of my closest friends, especially when they start chattering with each other. It's always a miracle how I survive one on one dates with a few of them.
I am more of the writer type. So I express myself on notebooks, planners, tissues, and yes, of course on blogging. And when I cannot, because I prefer to just go rolling on the bed and crying my heart out, I have a tendency to destroy material objects around me. Pencils, papers, ponytails. I even managed to disintegrate a tiny SIM card into 9 pieces using only my fingers.
But I still believe that with time, I will change. Hey, I can now say I love you in person. I can now hug you on impulse. Even kiss! Thank you for teaching me.
It's now with impending rains that I need to learn how to overcome this talking-in-person issue. I must change. :(
